Post-binge watching: My favorite quotes from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’s season 2 (#KimmySchmidt)

Season 2 of „Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt“, the hilarious sitcom created by Tina Fey and her „30 Rock“ show runner Robert Carlock, is at least as strong as its premiere season. I especially enjoyed the addition of Tina Fey’s role as Andrea Bayden, „an alcoholic therapist who is separated by work Andrea at day and drunk Andrea at night“ (Wikipedia). On RottenTomatoes.com, the series still has the same approval rate by critics as in season 1: 95 %. In short: „Not letting up in season two, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is still odd in the best of ways, wonderfully building on its unique comedy stylings and brilliantly funny cast.“

Here is a selection of my favorite quotes:

S02E02: Kimmy Goes on a Playdate! (Recap by Entertainment Weekly)

Jane Krakowski (Photo: The Heart Truth. This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license.)

Kimmy Schmidt (Ellie Kemper): I did it for your own good, Xan. Someday you’ll thank me.
Xanthippe Voorhees: Yeah, when pigs fly. – Oh, my God. I sound so lame now! And stupid.
Kimmy: Pigs fly all the time, Xan, or did you think prize pigs walk to international pig competitions?

Kimmy Schmidt: What do I call you now? Mrs. Voorhers?
Jacqueline White (Jane Krakowski): Ms. White. That’s my Sioux family name. It was given to us in the 1920s by a sarcastic census taker.

Jacqueline White: Kimmy, I need your help.
Kimmy Schmidt: Help? That’s what we elves are born to do.
Jacqueline: Oh, you are dressed like an elf. I just assumed it was the trucker pills.

Jacqueline White: Oh, Kimmy, I also need you to call my hotel. My suite is so big, I keep getting lost. Have them send up a guide monkey.

Deirdre Robespierre (Anna Camp, to Jacqueline): I have a 150 IQ, but I spent all morning picking out dog stationery. Maybe I’m just tormenting you just to feel alive, but also there is a chance this is real empathy.

S02E03: Kimmy Goes to a Play! (EW recap)

Tucker Cobblepot: Julian and I are partners in a deal to frack in Central Park. And it’s not just me. We all do business with Julian Voorhees. You are strictly off-limits.
Jacqueline White: Well, then how am I supposed to get back at him?
Tucker: I don’t know. Kill yourself in his office? I always hate that.

Jacqueline White: Tucker Cobblepot, how do you keep getting younger?
Tucker: Oh, I did that thing Trump did, where they gather your head skin up and tie it in a knot on the top of your skull and then cut new face holes in what used to be your neck.

S02E05: Kimmy Gives Up! (EW recap)

Dr. Yousefi: In terms of behavioral development, Buckley could benefit from a little discipline.
Jacqueline Schmidt: Oh.
Dr. Yousefi: Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting actual parenting.
Jacqueline: Oh.
Dr. Yousefi: I know how busy we all are. I’m talking about medication.
Jacqueline: „Dyziplen“?
Dr. Yousefi: „Treats hyperactivity, ADHD, and Kanye West Spectrum Disorder.“

Dong Nguyen: I don’t want to go back to Vietnam, Kimmy. It’s full of baby boomer tourists trying to feel something.

Dong Nguyen: Kimmy, Sonja was there when I needed her, and now we have an arrangement that works. I get to stay in the country, and she gets a husband who can be a male role model for her birds.

S02E06: Kimmy Drives a Car! (EW recap)

Lillian Kaushtupper (Carol Kane, about airbnb guests): Don’t you get it? They’re hipsters. And that means gentrification. Ugh! Listen to me. I miss the old days when the longest word I knew was friggingiuliani!
Titus Andromedon (Tituss Burgess): They’re not hipsters. They’re just two hayseeds from Texas whose bodies will wash up in the East River in a couple of weeks, crabs eating their eyes, their genitalia stuffed in their mouths.
Lillian: Stop telling me what I want to hear. I like the neighborhood the way it is. – [Charlie walks by with a TV in a shopping cart.] Morning, Meth-Head Charlie! It’s my TV!

Talking about Titus:

Jacqueline White: This isn’t happening. This is not my life. Is this the part of town where flies are made?
Kimmy Schmidt: You know I live here, right?
Jacqueline: Look at me. I can’t get medical care. I’m standing on a street named after a rapper, I guess.
Kimmy: Malcolm the Tenth was a black pope.

Airbnb guest Sue Thompson (Zosia Mamet) to husband Bob, commenting on Kimmy and Jacqueline: Baby, come here. It’s a meth-head fighting with a prostitute. This neighborhood is so authentic!

Screenshot: Entertainment Weekly’s Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season 2 binge recap

S02E07: Kimmy Walks Into a Bar! (EW recap)

Jacqueline White: Well, today’s the day, Mom. I’m doing it. Everything I came back to New York to do.
Fern White: Patrick Duffy?
Jacqueline: That was the first time. Tonight’s my big charity thing.

Deirdre Robespierre (Anna Camp): I know it just started, but I am already so exhausted from gala season.
Jacqueline White: Tell me about it. Did you know that poor people don’t even have to do gala season?
Deirde: What? They just skip it? Why do they look so tired all the time then?

Jacqueline White: Oh, no. The food. The flowers. They’re gonna throw it all out!
Deirdre Robespierre: Why is someone with $1 1/2 billion so concerned about paying twice for flowers?
Jacqueline: Because I don’t have $1 1/2 billion and you know it.
Deirdre: I do. I mean, I didn’t know-know, but I knew. Your feet aren’t bleeding anywhere, which means you’ve worn those shoes before.

Jacqueline White: I’m just a dumb country girl whose greatest accomplishment is getting pregnant with a married man’s child after scraping his sperm off an airplane toilet.

Jacqueline White [at her charity event]: 10,000 years running, and you don’t care about anyone else but yourselves!
Party guest: Hey, how’d you know the Goldman Sachs cheer?

Keith: Do you know the G.I. bill?
Kimmy Schmidt: It’s G.I. Joe.

S02E11: Kimmy Meets a Celebrity! (EW recap)

Titus Andromedon: I signed up for a drug trial to make money. I can’t shave my hair because it might be a side effect.
Lillian Kauhstupper: A drug trial? So you’re helping Big Pharma give old men boners? That’s my job.

Cyndee Pokorny: Actually, I read the average American family has two-and-a- half kids, so I hope we get to choose which half, because I like the top. That’s where the face is.

Dr. Dave (Jeff Goldblum): Cyndee, when we flew you to New York on Delta Airlines …. [turning to the camera for a sponsor’s message:] „We hate this as much as you do“ … you said that you wanted closure.

Cyndee Pokorny: Guess what, Kimmy. Gay guys can have babies. I saw it at the airport. They just come out Chinese!

S02E12: Kimmy Sees a Sunset! (EW recap)

Tina Fey (Photo: Mingle Media TV. This file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license)

Andrea Bayden (Tina Fey): I’m gonna have to go away.
Kimmy Schmidt: Where?
Andrea: To a conference. „Conference“ is therapist code for rehab. Like how, „Oh, interesting, go on,“ is code for, „I hate you and your stupid life.“
Kimmy: How long will you be gone?
Andrea: A while, because it’s not just rehab. First there’s the bender, then rehab, then getting kicked out of rehab for „using sex and threats of violence to obtain cooking wine,“ then more drinking, back into a different rehab, and finally a two-week surf camp with a bunch of recent divorcées. It’s a process.

Jacqueline White [to Kimmy]: Last night, Russ didn’t want to have sex with me. Gasp, he must be gay. „It’s because you’re too pretty.“ Believe me, I get it. But like you, Russ is a sexually inexperienced do-gooder weirdo with the fashion sense of a Canadian child. So I need you to help me figure out what he wants.

Russ Snyder: Look, I’m not making excuses for my behavior, but when I was a kid, I had a terrible stutter, so I didn’t really talk to anyone, except for my pets. I had a hamster and a turtle, a parrot that I taught to say, „Russ is cool.“ I loved those animals. And I swore that if I ever found my voice, I would dedicate my life to speaking for them, the voiceless, whether it’s lab animals or the one woman who works at Goldman Sachs or the other members of Coldplay.

Jacqueline White: I was a flight attendant, so I know first aid and how to catch Gérard Depardieu’s urine in an ice bucket.

Titus Andromedon: Hey, can I cook with this wine? It’s already open.
Lillian Kaushtupper: Sure, but that’s not wine. That bottle’s there ‚cause of a leak.
Titus: Why is it red?

Kimmy Schmidt: They’re the Mario Brothers but one of them is named Mario… does that mean his name is Mario Mario?

Peter Jebsen